Why finding who you are, and standing by it, is the key to success.

 

Amy Falhi

Vice Principal & Head of Primary

DBSJP VALUES IN FOCUS: INTEGRITY

In this series, our leaders will explore one of our key values each month.

 

New Year, (New You) New Approach

Why finding who you are, and standing by it, is the key to success

With the turning of each New Year comes the inevitable bombardment of adverts, social media posts and even our internal voices, calling for reinvention. Prompts to be better friends, better spouses, better parents, better humans flood our platforms and our minds… the underlying tone being that we aren’t good enough and we need to do better. But what if we changed the narrative for 2023? What if ‘doing better’ was not a remodel but rather a quest to look inward rather than out, seek who we really are, and aim to live this reality to the full?

Integrity: being honest and advocating what you believe in, even when no one is watching.

On paper, this may sound easy, yet the reality is a little different. To stand by your beliefs, you must be certain of who you are as a person and what your core values are.

A quick Google search generates values into the hundreds, and with ideals from security to strength, justice to joy and compassion to courage, there is literally something for everyone. But with so many options, which should we choose? The simple answer is that values should not, and cannot, be chosen; they simply ‘are’; a combination of nature and nurture influencing who we become at the very core.

Our core values are innate and thus shape who we are as people. Yet if this is the case, why then is it so hard for people to identify their values and live by them? The simple answer is peer pressure, something school-age children are, unfortunately, all too familiar with – in fact over 90% of teens have experienced some form of peer pressure both in and out of school[i]. In the age of influencers, our vision is distorted by an Insta-ready view of the world, and, despite knowing that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’[ii], people of all ages are forced to consider whether they are enough and in continually seeking ‘the next best thing’ can lose sight of who they truly are and thus are unable to find true contentment.

Finding who you are takes a certain amount of self-reflection; it can be a challenging journey into our core foundations, particularly as we may not always like what we find. As author, public speaker and all-round powerhouse Brene Brown states: ‘integrity is choosing courage over comfort’[iii].

Throughout my years as a leader, I have taken many psychometric tests, which have all resulted, unsurprisingly, in similar results. These tests, whether quizzing me on my leadership style as represented by letters (DI), colours (yellow) or even animals (polar bear) have all indicated that I am a charismatic, confident and daring leader who is decisive and will gain a loyal followership. Sounds great! That is, until the adjectives turn to perhaps less favourable aspects of my personality: I am also impatient, competitive and like being in control.

In the past, I have shied away from the latter descriptors, wishing I could instead be more like colleagues, friends and family members I admire. But burying my head in the sand did not change these aspects of who I am and instead awkwardly (and unsuccessfully) masked them, resulting in a less-than-authentic version of me. This ultimately led to me losing faith, and confidence, in myself.

The key message here is that embracing who you are (and not who you wish you could be) has great power – for me, when I reflected on my impatience, I realised it means I work efficiently, my competitive nature allows me to lead teams to success and liking control prompts me to develop an in-depth knowledge of all areas and to quality assure with accuracy (though I have worked on letting go…a little!). Living the truest, fullest version of myself allows me to lead from the heart in-line with my core values: respect, vulnerability and integrity.

Pinpointing core values is difficult and can take months, even years, of reflection and refinement. To get started, though, below are some points to consider:

1. Block out the Noise

It is important to eliminate the external traffic of public opinions, and those of family and friends to truly determine what you believe in and who you are. What are your non-negotiables? What are you passionate about? It is hard for someone who does not genuinely care about the environment to identify ‘biospheric’ as a value, no matter how many Greta Thunberg’s Tweets they have read.

2. Be Open to Asking Others

Consider people you know who will be honest with you and not simply say what you want to hear. Ask them what they see in you; what do they admire? Identifying qualities in yourself which inspire others will lead you to your fundamental values…some might take you by surprise!

3. Broaden Your Mind

Expose yourself to content you are not usually privy to through a range of platforms. Read. Speak to people you wouldn’t normally. If you are an expat, you are a step ahead, as moving to another country, into an alternative culture, mixing with others from different backgrounds naturally prompts you to reflect on what is important to you, and also to open your eyes to what you appreciate in others.

Use the above to continually review and reflect on your personal truth; over time, you will hone this into key words, thus identifying your values, enabling you to live with integrity.

There are so many benefits to living with integrity that, once you flip the switch, it can be hard to understand why others would not choose to do the same. First and foremost, integrity can transform self-confidence, as acting in a way which honours your intrinsic values offers a level of peace and security like no other. This in turn enables, and simplifies, decision-making, as decisions can be made with the full belief that one is ‘doing the right thing’. Much of author and inspirational-speaker Simon Sinek’s work is focused on ‘finding the why’[iv], a message to identify and know what your purpose is in order to generate impactful and authentic outcomes.

Acting with integrity results in self-trust as well as trust from others, which, for a leader can secure a loyal, effective and efficient workforce who believe in working towards a shared goal. The test, however, comes when core beliefs are challenged.

Inevitably, as the world is full of different opinions, people- particularly leaders- will have their decisions called into question by others, and it can take great courage to stand strong and firm in your beliefs. It is important, though, not to equate integrity with stubbornness; there will be times when decisions are wrong- or, less starkly, not the best for a particular time and context, even if they stem from the decision-maker’s core values and were made with the best intentions. In this instance, an important aspect of integrity is accountability; taking responsibility for any errors and being open and transparent with this- which, again, can be quite the feat of strength.

Some of the greatest, most frequent and (I know this will resonate) most infuriating challengers of our decisions are our children. Young people need answers (though they know everything?!) and the word ‘why?’ trips off their tongues with the regularity of a ticking clock. So how can integrity be applied to parenting?

Well, those curious little minds, as inquisitive (and annoying) as they can be, simply need boundaries. Children like, and need, to know where they stand and the regularity and consistency of an adult parenting with integrity will offer safe, secure and dependable confines, which in turn will lead to positive behaviour through being clear on the expectations and where they stand.

In addition to this, it is known that learned behaviour is one of the greatest influences on children’s futures; what you eat, drink and say in front of your child has a high chance of determining what they are likely to eat, drink and say as they grow up. Therefore, it stands to reason that parenting with integrity, being secure and confident in who you are and in your beliefs, will expose children directly to the very secure and confident person you wish them to become. Sometimes it can be easy to think it is ‘game over’ for us as adults and that we are a lost cause, instead focusing on helicopter parenting our offspring, forcing them to become the person we wish we were. But what about us, as adults, becoming the person we wish to inspire our children to be in the first place? Importantly, this is also the person they need us to be. Sure, it is not the easy option, but the outcomes will most certainly be beneficial all round.

Supporting our children to have integrity and demonstrate their core values in everything they do might just be the single greatest gift you could ever give them, particularly in the uncertain age of social media. Nurturing the ability to stand strong, refrain from people-pleasing and to intrinsically do the right thing will lead your child towards a path of success (though of course, they must still walk the path for themselves).

Schools, too, support children with this journey, and educators have a huge responsibility in inspiring integrity in those they teach as part of developing the whole child. Demands are often placed on schools from external bodies which, at times can conflict with the personal beliefs of those working within and leading institutions. To lead with integrity, then, leaders must be creative and innovative in order to work within the parameters set by others whilst retaining the focus on their core purpose. As a leader, I am very aware that I set the tone[v] for my team and ultimately the children in our care, meaning that leading with integrity is vital in order to inspire each individual to be the best they can be if we are to be progress to success.

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[i] What is peer pressure and who is at risk? (n.d.) Retrieved December 2022, from https://centerstone.org/our-resources/health-wellness/what-is-peer-pressure-and-who-is-at-risk/

[ii] Roosevelt, T. (n.d.). Comparison is the Thief of Joy. Retrieved December, 2022, from https://quotefancy.com/quote/33048/Theodore-Roosevelt-Comparison-is-the-thief-of-joy

[iii] Brown, B. (2019). Dare to lead: Brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. New York: Random House Large Print.

[iv] Sinek, S. (2019). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. London: Portfolio Penguin.

[v] Sinek, S. (2016). [Vide File] Leaders Set the Tone, So Integrity is Everything. Retrieved December, 2022, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYGgpKjo6M4